To Conquer Her

This is a very personal story; one that I'm beginning to come to terms with. One that I only recently admitted to myself and to others. Here I am now, admitting it to the world.

My middle school years were difficult, and seeped into the beginning of my high school career. I put more and more pressure upon myself to be perfect. I wanted good grades, I NEEDED good grades to make my parents happy. I wanted perfection. I wanted recognition for my efforts. I was only recognized for my "talent". That wasn't good enough. I had to put myself through death and back to show...something, anything. I'm not even sure. Maybe I just needed the attention, the love, the care. How hard I pushed for anything at all...

This was my battle with self image.
This was my battle with anorexia.

I look back on those years, and I know it wasn't me. It was someone else there, invading my brain. It's still so surreal. That surreal dream is what has helped me to deny it for nearly four years.

What my eyes saw in the mirror and what my brain interpreted were so damn skewed. My judgement upon others was skewed. My happiness was nowhere to be found. The death in my soul was mirrored by the death in my body. I thought no one noticed. Maybe they were just too scared.

I went down to 104 lbs. My hair would come out in handfuls in the shower. I passed out; my body couldn't take it. I stopped having my period. I didn't understand why. I didn't connect it.

But I was lucky. I got scared enough that I went to the doctor. But even she didn't tell me that it was because I wasn't eating. I was good at lying about that, because I had been lying to myself for so long. The little food I ate became a feast. Of COURSE I was eating. She just suggested that I try to gain weight. I was lucky, because something in my subconscious must've clicked. I turned the spiral around and worked my way up.

I still have issues. Even as I write this, my stomach is in knots. I broke down in class the other day, because I was trying to explain why young girls go through this. There are too many factors.

Expectations. I was trying to reach every expectation and more. Stress was put on me to do well, but I saw it as a need to be perfect.

I'm learning to be okay with my body now. I realize that confidence makes beauty, not skin and muscle, and bone. I've gotten past the depression. I'm in a good place now.

So for those who are or have gone through similar situations, I deeply feel for you. You don't have to torture yourself to be good, to be whole, to be smart, or beautiful. Focus on feeling good. Others perceive and connect with the joy in you and your soul, not your image.

The love you are craving for can come from yourself. You just have to let it. You matter to this world. You matter to others. Let the love come.

Let it come.

Thank you.